hilarious absurdism, Andy Holt’s pressure valve and zombies
The Fiver always likes to recount fairytales, at least that’s what the judge said. These days, however, we’ve learned to become a matter-of-fact kinda tea-timely football-related email, presenting cold hard data without prejudice, flair or proofreading. That makes for a broadly law-abiding and regularly disappointing missive and we can call on 1,057 pedants to prove it, your honour.
|Monaco stay positive before mission impossible against Juventus
|It’s not that The Fiver has been successfully rehabilitated, it’s just that we’re not much cop at making stuff up anymore. Even today, for instance, we were going to invent a feelgood yarn about Manchester United agreeing to pay Paul Pogba’s Mr 15%, Mino Raiola, £41m over the next few years as a reward for facilitating the transfer to Old Trafford of The More Presentable Marouane Fellaini. Then we scanned today’s papers and discovered that someone else has already been putting that about, a writer in Germany, no less. There was The Fiver thinking it had concocted a hilarious piece of absurdism, when it was just another accounting item in the everyday reality of modern football.
So we turn as a last resort to the Big Cup semi-final final second leg between Juventus and Monaco. The game represents an almighty challenge for Monaco and mission impossible for The Fiver who, try as we almost did, just can’t imagine any way that Monaco can overturn their 2-0 deficit from the first leg. No French team has ever beaten Juve in Turin and no one at all has scored a Big Cup goal, let alone two, against Juve for 621 minutes. Monaco may have the hottest young attack in Europe but Juve’s wily old nannies locked them in a playpen throughout the first leg and will more than likely to do the same again. And up the other end, Gonzalo Higuaín will continue to chase goals like they are double cheeseburgers with extra gherkins. “We owe it to ourselves to believe we can do it,” blathered the Monaco striker Valère Germain, seemingly intent on bringing a touch of Terry Pratchett to the team talk. “We don’t have the right to give up. All we have to do is score an early goal over there,” added Germain who, in fact, will have to do much better than that.